Life Through Her Eyes: 14

                                     Scary secret 

I am usually very good at suppressing unwanted memories 

I am brilliant at disconnecting from anything and everything 

I can avoid conflict until there is no need for one 

And I can be ignorant of reality without even trying 

But this memory can't seem to go away 

I'm scared to talk about it and yet it is like a lump in my thought 

Writing about it is like talking about it minus the judgment or sorry faces 

It hurts to be a palestinian living in the west bank 

Palestinians living in Gaza blame you for not doing enough 

For not joining the fight on the ground 

For not speaking up 

For not being hurt as they are 

Accusing you of having a normal life 

Western People being impressed about you going to work 

Having internet connections 

Praising you for speaking up 

Expressing their solidarity and envy of you 

Accusing you of having a normal life 

My life is far from normal 

My body is at one place and my soul is in another 

I am fighting the fight from within 

I am experiencing conflict between my body parts 

I'm drinking out of guilt and i feel guilty drinking I'm 

working hard out of frustration and I'm too frustrated to work hard 

I'm sleeping to get comfort and I'm uncomfortable sleeping 

I'm exhausting myself during workouts on purpose 

I'm eating things that hurt my stomach on purpose 

I'm waking up every hour at night on purpose 

I'm denying myself showers on purpose 

I'm neglecting my mental health on purpose 

I'm living recklessly, im living dangerously 

I am barely living 

Don't accuse me of a normal life

About the Author

Rand is a 26-year-old Palestinian. She is the youngest of four children; she finished her undergraduate studies at Bir Zeit University, Ramallah, Palestine. During her university years, Rand grew more interested in the humanitarian structure and the Palestinian cause from a humanitarian point of view. Through volunteering and networking, rand received many pieces of training in crisis management, and emergency navigation, as well as, humanitarian structure, signature, and localization allowing her to employ her knowledge in her career and as a volunteer with many local and international humanitarian organizations. Moreover, rand is a very expressive artistic person who attempts to share her human experience through pen and brush. She is captivated by sunsets and Palestinian beauty.